To make a perfect heart December 28, 2007

Begin with an amorphous mass. Rough wool may be hard to work with, but it will create a sturdier piece. As flimsy and disconnected as it may seem, you must tear it apart before you can put it together. Pull the fibers from one another, and feel the wool. Rub it between your hands and wonder at its texture. Think about those things, all those moments in your past that tore at you, the ones you thought you would never survive. Lay the fibers in layers, lying in different directions, and consider the parts of you that no one sees, the gifts you only use in anonymity. Take your needle and pierce the layers, again and again and again. Your arm may begin to ache, but you will forget about it when you begin to see those disconnected strands coalesce. Add more layers and be amazed at how something so flimsy can become so solid. Let the shape of the piece emerge; trying to exert too much control will only create frustration. Move your needle around the piece, not to create the shape, but to bring it to life. Be cautious, but not afraid of the needle — you may prick your finger, but that same dangerous point is necessary to make those many fibers into one. Realize that pain is inseperable from beauty. Once your shape has emerged, add colors as they please your eye, not anyone else’s. Use your fine needle to make patterns, and layer the colors to create new ones. Twirl the wool to make designs. Stop to hold it in your hand and really look at it, not to criticise, just to drink it in. Understand it may never be complete, but that its very incompleteness is fundamental to its nature.

Above all, remember that a perfect heart is never what you thought it would be.

Admiration December 20, 2007

The first thing that strikes you is her mind. Her brilliance is apparent from the moment she speaks, and it would be easy to write her off as another egghead. That would be an incorrect assessment though, since there are layers here, layers which, with time and association, peel away to reveal depths unfathomable at first acquaintance. She has traveled the world, not just as a tourist, but as one who seeks to experience and understand everything around her, even if that means sacrificing comfort or convenience. The art on her walls and bookcases is varied and complex, and if you look closely you realize that much of it is her own creation. She moves easily between worlds; the high school classroom where she teaches science, the coffeeshop or dining room table where she lingers for hours chatting and laughing, and all the many countries and cultures she has explored. She never married, but unlike the women who waste their time waiting for Mr. Right, she built a life of beauty and grace and true independence. She is not only smart — she is funny and creative and opens her life to any who are willing to come in. In my limited life, am blessed to call one such as this my friend.

His mysterious ways December 17, 2007

In art, I like open endings and untied strings.  The best art is participatory, leaving interpretation up to the viewer.  I create that which asks more questions than it answers.

I find it highly ironic that God has chosen to grant me a life that functions in much the same way.  It is not as fun to live it.

I know that the secret to surviving all the open ends is trust, a word that seems to small to encompass such a huge concept.   My mind is well aware of the necessity of absolute trust, but my heart… my heart lags behind.  Too often all it can see is the pain of uncertainty and grief.  The mind is willing, but the heart is weak, and sad, and tired.

Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

I got gift tagged December 14, 2007

Prue, The Good Twin, tagged me with the Christmas meme — still not sure why it is called that, but I am guessing she saw my recent paucity of writing and thought she would give me a little jump start…vrooom, vroooom!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I have issues with scissors, and folding, and pretty much any activity whatsoever involving fine motor skills, so gift bags for me.

2. Real tree or artificial? I have only put up a tree once, and that one was real. The experience was enough to make me swear to never put up a Christmas tree again. I do like the pre-lit purple ones at Target though.

3. When do you put up your tree? Nevah

4. When do you take the tree down? The great loveliness of not putting one up is not having to take it down. While everyone else is slaving over the devil pine, I can sit on my couch and watch The OC. HaHA!

5. Do you like eggnog? Ew. I have never had it, and the name makes me gag. I was a Bio major and do not gag easily, so I am thinking it is best avoided.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I really honestly don’t remember, but I can tell you my favorite gift as an adult — a few years ago my sister organized the family to get me a washer and dryer. After laundromatting everything for years, I can safely say it was the best gift of a lifetime.

7. Do you have a Nativity scene? Somewhere. I haven’t put it out since the great tree debacle of ’99. I have a strange obsession with historical accuracy in nativity scenes, specifically, I hate it when there are wise men in nativity scenes. Most scholars agree that the wise men did not arrive until some time after the birth of Jesus, and would have not been at the actual Nativity, so I always put the wise men across the room somewhere.

8. Hardest person to buy for?  This year I am having a terrible time buying for my sister.
9. Easiest person to buy for? My mother’s husband.
10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?  A couple if years ago I got a devotional book for couples in a Dirty Santa.  I’m single, and it’s poorly written.

11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither.

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?  I haven’t yet.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Um…..no?  *refuses to look you in the eye*

15. Favorite things to eat at Christmas? Cranberry Salad
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear
17. Favorite Christmas song? The Atheist’s Christmas Carol by Vienna Teng

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel to the sister’s house

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?  Nope.  Neither can I name all seven dwarves.  I am working on the elements song though.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?  If I ever get a tree, I want to put a garden gnome painted gold and wearing a tutu on my tree.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?  Christmas day
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Traffic, and the same dumbass 5 holiday songs being played everywhere
23. What is the “corniest” family tradition you do, or miss doing?  The ongoing fight with my sister regarding the location of the wise men from my mother’s nativity scene

24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented?  Those big inflatable yard things
25. Which looks the best, theme trees or homey trees?  I like homey trees
26. What does Christmas mean to you?   I have really bad memories from a specific event that happened at Christmas, and because of that I have had a hard time at Christmas for years.  This is my first Christmas as a whole, healthy person, and so this year it means a new start, and a chance to build new memories.

I tag Heather, Holli, and Lisa

Waiting December 5, 2007

According to the National Weather Service, there was a chance of snow today. All day yesterday I checked and rechecked weather forecasts. I could barely sleep, wondering if I would get up this morning and see those magic words on the internet…schools closed.

No such thing happened, and sleeping through my alarm just meant running around crazy trying to get to work on time rather than crawling back under the duvet for a couple of extra hours. I don’t mind coming to work, and I certainly don’t mind not coming to school, I just hate the uncertainty. Either option is fine, I just want to know which it will be, and I want to know RIGHT NOW.

We have begun Advent. Advent is the season of waiting — children look at gifts and lights and ornaments and hold their breath in anticipation of the holiday to come, just like thousands of years ago creation held its breath waiting for the Son of God to become man.

Right now, God has asked me to wait. I don’t even know what I am waiting for, but I know I have to wait, in obedience, and trust that my waiting is not in vain. God’s chosen people waited 400 years for Christ; I suppose I can wait a little while too. In the meantime, I’ll keep watching for snow.

Addendum: I went to lunch immediately after writing this post.  It was hard for me to write, and I sat at my desk and cried while I was doing it.   While I was at lunch, it snowed.  It didn’t stick, but it was incredibly, amazingly beautiful.  It felt like a little gift from God, his way of telling me it would all be beautiful in the end, and my heart worshiped.

Four times six December 2, 2007

My friend Heather posted this on her blog, and since I am feeling pretty uninspired at the moment, I thought I would swipe it…

4 Jobs I have Held in My Life:

High school science teacher — I’ll talk about this one first, since it is my current one. I teach Biology and Ecology, and I coach drama. In previous years, if you had asked me, I would tell you that I loved it. This year I don’t love it. I have decided to stay on one more year to determine if the not loving it is something real or passing ennui.

Training & Development Instructor/Performance Improvement Analyst — I did this for one of the big three insurance companies. While they were not the most fun five years of my life, they were invaluable for learning. I learned about professionalism, project management, computer skills, teaching skills, and way more about insurance than I ever wanted to know; all skills that have been invaluable in my current job.

Camp counselor — I spent three summers in college working at a summer camp. It was an amazing experience, and last summer I went back there to lead music for a week.

Subway sandwich artist — Don’t ask.

4 Movies I have Watched More Than Once:

I watch the same stuff over and over, so this one is easy. Four of my most watched–

Empire Records

Center Stage

Never Been Kissed

Real Genius

4 Places I have Vacationed:

White Lake, NC — My family used to go every summer. It’s not exactly a luxury resort, but it was fun.

Myrtle Beach, SC — Last summer I went with my sister and her husband’s family, and it was the best trip I have ever had.

Disney World — I was 14 and had just finished the 9th grade. There were four of us in a Nissan Sentra, and it was a 14 hour drive. I don’t remember much else.

New York City — I love, love, love NYC. I wish I could go back.

4 of my Favorite Foods:

Lox and cream cheese on a rosemary and olive oil bagel

Chocolate bread pudding

Dill pickles

Cornbread stuffing

4 places I would Rather Be:

An isolated beach

New York City (not right now, though, it is too cold)

My hammock in the middle of summer

With my nephew

4 hobbies I engage in regularly:

Reading

Directing

Music

Watching really mindless TV